Have debated about posting this since I wrote it, initially it was just going to be the key take away, only I am aware that those who are my fans seem to enjoy learning new things about me, be them good or bad.
In this case, the mask is off, I'm going to be earnest here, no subterfuge.
I wish some of the information I am going to share with you would be more akin to that you would like to hear, believe me, so do I, but I'm giving this to you straight.
Also, when it comes to the first serious topic addressed here, though I encourage everyone think for themselves and am someone that would fall into the more personal Freedoms (I.E. Freedoms the individual has the right to make without it being policed so long as the only person such impact is that person, with an economy based around making things as feasible and easily obtainable while also being obligated to reveal accurately say, as this deals with drugs, that what you get is accurately measured and given in such a way. Regardless of how it worked out for me, and how it is functional for certain individuals who would so too utilize it for such a reason as I did, it is extremely ambiguous the quality of what you get on the black market. ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE OF YOU IN RUSSIA, YOU GUYS HAVE CROCODILE. If that is on the streets, I'm sure it has been slipped in already dubiously potent narcotics. So until they start legally having a market for it, don't follow my example even if it did work. I don't want to be the guy who convinced you to go down a path you otherwise wouldn't. And. as will be stated toward the end, have a few ideas that could be of benefit for those who need it.
Alright, here goes what will be a defining moment in regards to where Newgrounds falls within my life:
This pertaining to my Music and any more potential releases to Newgrounds, mixed in with a rather sizable amount of information in regards to myself, and life as a whole For fans so too accuracy sake, along the mentioning of separate works taking precedence and there inability to be merged with that I have put forward on Newgrounds. Along one question I am interested in your insight Firstly to quell any propagation of the belief that it was "The Drugs" leading to my Psychotic Break, this need be dismissed as it was from enduring numerous extremely traumatic experiences that went above and beyond my life being in danger all within the span of one night, followed by two weeks, along an extremely unbalanced, unhealthy life at home with parents who have pushed their own mental illnesses upon me since a child. No prescription Drug worked, it was actually through the usage of Opiates that I managed to break free from what otherwise consumed the bulk of my 20's. I do not recommend any follow my example however there is indeed therapeutic value that is not often acknowledged with Drugs that serve as pain killers (for simple consideration, assuming these drugs are designed to kill physical pain, it should be all but apparent their would be a crossover effect where that of mental pain is so too made manageable,) to Hallucinogens properly utilized. Timothy Leary already knew of the benefits Psychedelics could produce and even had countless studies, a few of which the Government didn't manage to (literally) burn that illustrated he had, long ago in the 60's onward into the early-70's provided evidence for this. Unfortunately as mentioned, he US Government didn't simply confiscate his works to say, at least internally be better able to utilize medication and understand mental illness, they jailed the man and burnt as much of his research to the ground, quite unlike all that they would acquire through say, various camps in Germany and Japan during WWII that were granted freedom for, in this case literal torture, so long as all their data be sent to us. Rather than holding back not only the pharmaceutical and mental health industry, but wasting countless tax payer dollars to uphold a "War on Drugs" that does nothing but make things worse for all parties involved, aside Private Prisons, and those both legally and illegally gaining obscene amounts of money, compared to say Country's that have at least Decriminalized/Legalized for Medical Usage or even fully Legalized and allowed for more forms of maintenance programs, where you will be aware the actual dosage you are getting, instructed how such functions and works, when and when not to use, risks, etc. I myself already being well versed for being on the Triage unite on the site Erowid.Org back in 05-08 and such Drugs being of interest to me as a topic in general. It is worth noting from all I have seen recently countries seem nearly always reach a decline in usage in all instances where decriminalization or greater has been introduced in regards to harder drugs, (do remember the cultural/sociological framework you are placed within often dictates the nature of how such is going to take root and manifest within the culture,) Opiates and Cocaine were used throughout the UK in times long since passed and Alcohol seemed to be the biggest menace at the time until the Pharmaceutical industry took hold and desired such to strictly be available via prescription, hence an increase in price, and less control by the person buying, along a slew of articles demonizing the poorer class at this time as their reasoning for removing such from sales that are not prescribed, as you couldn't just stop in any shop on the streets to pick up any longer, you had to see a Doctor. Yet look at how drastically Opium impacted China when it was being pushed upon a people who were at a breaking point as a Country targeted at them from every conceivable angle and you should see what I mean. The Cultural Zeitgeist of a people makes all the difference. Which itself would encompass how such would be introduced to its people. In one case it offers them much freedom, with accurate knowledge so far as was available during those times. In another, imagine having a horrid life, with an over-saturation of a substance that is pushed down your throat as an answer to everything you need with no information on any negatives nor any means to treat such. Yet I'll end my unconventional History lesson.
The other key came in the form of the Girlfriend I met, and the care she gave me, her full acceptance of me as a person which to her I offered the same. Though it kills me inside, she is no longer alive herself, (along with the bulk of my friends from that era showing just how dangerous intravenously taking specific drugs that need accurate dosages for them to be used safely can be. Especially when many of us already decided how much we felt damaged by life in so many ways death was, especially for me, part of the package) she giving me the long needed deep understanding that none other was able to perform... I would have long since killed myself if not for her. She fully understanding the deepest facets of my being. Though when she passed we had long reverted to friends again, as she had a flame for someone who as I recall, moved away quite a long time back. Herself 22-23 at the time of our relationship, though I won't be revealing her name nor showing pictures of her out of respect, I still want more people to be aware this world lost a beautiful angel, with the appearance of a model similar to that of Marilyn Monroe, (myself usually more in favor of lithe, short body-types,) Her and the Heroin were all I needed while I still had her... And from the abstraction of what may exist and/or occur after death. my current Girlfriend seems to have arrived on the scene most when I needed her, and as if a confirming needed occur I was met with/witnessed a barrage of synchronicities... Along her full acceptance and encouragement. (She being the one I leave this here, as you could say her outlooks on the resultant outcome from offering for free what she feels should have been paid for both myself for any music and the level designers.)
Likewise to clarify my Spiritual outlook, though I have formed my own Religion, the closest you could say would be a mixture of Gnostic Christianity along Taoism, (only NOT viewing things from this world, or that created to be lesser, with a penchant for decadent indulgences, further experimenting with Magickal concepts yet to be utilized, and one that sees the importance of being one who you could say has "Self Crowned.") Viewing the self an aspect of that which many would consider "God," so too aspects from all being that eventually merged and thus our experience externally aiding in the full completion so far of that stage such a "God" exists in, our lives within this entities unique worlds aiding in its progression, the further said Figure evolves, the further specific Archetypal patterns are set off within the world thus leading to its own evolution played out organically, with such Archetypes being aspects of the Brain/DNA of living beings along Archetypal motifs manifesting within our environment. Only through our internal self can such a being be connected to and the full feeling of the part we have tapped into with said being along our personal nature and its unique relation to that part of connection in that particular instant in space/time forming the resultant experience.
There are elements that deal with that beyond the score of our 3 spacial 1 Temporal dimensions, yet I won't get into anything like that here.
Magick itself as much a Human practice as it is Divine, one's intention, will, desire, innate skill, external influencing factors, subconscious motives/influences and the manner such has been enacted why and for what bringing about the resultant intention's response.
Now, to business despite such a somber and densely packed opening. As it isn't like I'm living the dream by any means.
Though I already have a number of methods in mind for past, current and future works be it of Music to Literature, Visual Art, Film, building another structured Order and anything else that I get a sweet tooth for. I have made (or will make) that otherwise would be uploaded elsewhere to properly follow through with further Artistic endeavors.
In all honesty, I greatly appreciate those who have become fans, submitting to Newgrounds, despite having my Music featured in an international hit Game, being the backing Music to the brilliance of both Creator's Levels, remaining quite popular from what I can see on Youtube by channels that primarily make videos pertaining to Geometry Dash and its Custom Levels along the Music to the point I have seen videos focusing on my particular song getting an inordinate amount of views.
After concluding I could not use Newgrounds and the various interviews I have been offered as a feasible starting point for greater success. (Need I really spell it out for you in this realm of cancel culture and selective acceptance?!) Being one working on many projects, not purely Music, but several from all fields, as an autodidact (In essence I've taught myself everything I know since the age of 11, had been doing so since a much younger age augmented by traditional forms of teaching, even teaching myself how to read through RPG games, and write through using the internet, having Dysgraphia makes writing any other way but typed much more difficult and that little bit of helpful information wasn't available until adulthood) and by now, so too a polymath though I still need read two other Religious Holy Books until all have been fully read in addition to studying that surrounding it and its backstory. The biggest difficulty in this area of research until now being especially The Sikh Faith due to very poor translations being rendered in English. Only finding one that seems can be relied upon recently.
One of the projects I am working on, that doubtless will take several years to complete, the most ambitious work I could ever make, though I will remain vague as to what its end goal and nature is, consider works such as Nietzsche's Thus Spake Zarathustra mixed with The Black Books as well Aion by Carl G. Jung, and Book 4/The Book of The Law by Aleister Crowley while so too being a work I aim to have peer reviewed, and thus must uphold certain standards in accordance that I am submitting them under. (Readying itself for what its next step would naturally take root so long as its primary is welcomed. And to some degree is already having aspects added to it.)
This in particular already requiring countless months still to go before ALL research has been exhausted, this including upward of 100+ Books (this is no exaggeration) which alone were quite costly, (The final 9 thankfully being given a limited re-release, which could range upward of 1000+ dollars by sellers on amazon prior for just one copy of the total) fortunately more than half of that I need read had been read throughout my 20's, (along many other books that won't play as direct a role but have furthered my knowledge within these fields) and as I have already started with writing still having a few more books before all research has been completed and everything can be fleshed out as full as desired. Due to its scholarly nature and ambitious aims I truly hope that, if not in my lifetime it becomes that I long for it to be posthumously. Though I personally don't feel them worth it from my treatment in life as a whole (especially the "joys" of getting ganged up on and beaten every day I went to school after I moved from my old township in 3rd grade to the snobbish town I still reside in,) this would be my aim to give humanity as a whole a collective antidote for its current obvious downward spiral. However, the very rigid nature of it so too resulting in writing various Non-Fictional works that should build a name for me when I release my primary project within the community it will find itself submitted, so too Fictional works by request of a long time friend who has for quite some time showed her desire for me to write and aim for publication, this I so too have decided to work on. I found the ability to freely utilize my writing as I desired a good means to help from burnout within the far more academic tome I will be releasing no sooner than two years time. In addition suffering quite a deal of abuse as of recently which has, after my life was finally on an all the more productive and liberated nature, now again ripped down from P.T.S.D. (Still when you get beaten down, at least from my experience, sometimes you can only laugh at the endless lunacy that our world is made up of, to be sane in an insane world is darkly humorous especially when pain is all around you in the form of smiling "professionals." All who will reside within these facilities far longer than I ever will. The Same for jailers...) This being a Mental Health facility to which I am not the only person who suffered abuse at the hands of staff so malicious I myself am not the only one to have suffered Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from this. (I have been in A NUMBER of Mental Hospitals throughout my life, never had I witnessed that which has been used as means to break Prisoners of War, freely utilized throughout this disturbing facility, all over a none physical argument.) I was trying to arrange a class action lawsuit but all those I stay in touch with from the Hospital are either doing their best to forget about it due to any thought of it bringing about adversity. (This not a good idea, such only represses something that will later reemerge from their subconscious and otherwise during its time being repressed will find new ways to manifest itself. It must be confronted head on.) With others doing their best to deal with it, yet so traumatized they are too afraid to even testify or be in the same room as the staff. Considering I cured all my past Mental ailments, this so too something I am working toward, needing learn a form of Hypnosis that would be self induced. Which I likewise am studying. This serving all the more to further that I am writing as well. Be it positive or negative it should be clear I am busy with much, with only more on my mind. It need be noted when I make a song, even if it sounds completely chaotic, a great deal of time has been spent on it, a great deal of thought as to where each and every sound and aspect occur.
Such in part is why I share these examples to show that there is much I am generally busy with in various mediums and manifestations. Having a number of Songs I likewise aim to release, I'll allow this to now circle back to the topic at hand.
Despite the countless videos, views and legitimate support and enjoyment from Fans, and the amount of draw this has brought to numerous Youtube channels, I remain with no royalties at all, and such would be the case with all my songs and any potential I would consider perhaps submitting, yet again, aside putting ads on my Music (something that wouldn't make much, and personally I would feel contradicts my own personal moral code, along with being an unneeded inconveniences for fans.) Aside from a scrap tossed in every few years, all my Music from here on out will be uploaded elsewhere and have no affiliation to Newgrounds nor the work put forward here, which makes me regret submitting two newer particular songs I will leave nameless. Still, assuming there would be a means of making money from that submitted here, my question is what would you consider a feasible means to make enough money to make it worth submitting a larger part of my work to Newgrounds? A site that I cannot flourish outside of.
Personally I was considering being commissioned for a few songs to be released. I considered Patron yet that would run into some potential problems both for fans and myself if used here.
I of course am likewise aware of the unfortunate sanctions America has put Russia through, in essence causing its citizens to suffer greatly while their leader is not remotely impacted. I am aware Russians are some of my biggest supporters, and though I am not Russian myself (German, Irish, Italian with a Great Grandfather actually being part of the Mafia and friends with Al Capone. Unfortunately my Grandfather severed all ties with the Mafia, as I certainly am suited for such and would have gladly taken part in working for them.) I know many want to know more about me, here I am so too allowing certain unique information slip within the topic. I would cite my I.Q. however I doubt many would believe me so I will save that for another time if ever. If curious I will say when it was found out, I was scouted by a certain group that I will leave nameless. Needed to take a number of leaked tests just to convince myself "yes, this actually your IQ now that you're not on all those worthless anti-psychotic medications." I aim to be proctored with a specific test to see if I can make it into the Triple Nine Society, as such the I.Q. needed to qualify is only 3 points above my current score. (If this isn't a big enough hint to decipher, without stating it out right, I don't know what is...) No matter, I feel such is a sufficient amount of new information I have laced within, it is thus time to bring things full circle yet again.
I am turning to my fans both to further explain the situation at hand, and informing them unless a means of monetary gain is established, as I don't have time to submit my works to Newgrounds outside of a stray song or two within an undefined time. Quite personally I believe I have contributed enough for a site I have been a member of for over half my lifetime. Especially the inordinate amount of time I once spent when I could have been getting a life, or making one for myself. Do keep in mind when I was present, the idea of making a living from Music online, or really through virtually any other means than owning a site seemed completely illogical. My song "Computers Can't Have Concerts" being a reference to this factor, as at that time I had not only far been aware of such being the situation at the time (with no consideration such would be changing,) as I also started to make close friends and was working toward establishing a Band or being an Actor until around a years time passed and the unfortunate events twisted what would have otherwise been a high-point within my life downward toward a psychosis consisting of some of the worst experiences I ever endured. This then shifting my perception of everything and everyone, inevitably leading me down an entirely different road.
Regardless, and this goes for all forms of Art, I would be interested in collaborating with another person, or even a small group of people. There is an RPG Game I have had the entire premise down from start to finish, and likewise have all of the major RPG Maker Engines. I would be interested in working toward the completion of a Game if another could supply much of the Pixel Art and another Program, in that case I would have no problem creating the Script and Soundtrack, along with some Pixel Art and considering the simplicity of the Game's mechanics, I likely could program as well, as the Story is core beyond all, I have considered adapting it into a Novella however that ruins the Freedom of Choice each Member must face throughout being one that the player must make, along the fact that the Ending Battle would be less of a difficult fight, than it would an extremely difficult decision. The concept came back in 2010 and has remained a project I have really wanted to see put to proper use, but would need someone capable of delivering Pixelated graphics on par with Mother 3.
Considering this all, considering most PM's/DM's take far too long to respond with the detail I generally give them, and with the number received I must say it better to simply make a post here unless it is something I can reply with a simple paragraph at most, I am sacrificing time right now that ideally at this moment would be best for experimentation, researching the few books left, or writing one of my Books. HOWEVER if this involves working with me on attempting to bring this game into a reality, feel free to PM/DM if serious, and specify such being your reason for sending a Private Message.
Otherwise please note this post is out of my respect for the fans I have garnered while being as honest with you as possible. I ideally wanted to start a small label where I could feature the works of fans but that long since fell through disappointing me doubtless so too I disappointed fans here, yet such was not without trying. Not to mention the difficulty such would imply for the majority of fans from other Countries who have different manners of handling money.
No matter, unless I am able to receive reasonable compensation through some manner of funding to which I would be interested in others ideas, as otherwise my time need be spent on that which will yield a return larger than the various works I am constructing. Likewise, due to the unfortunate state of Russia I doubt there are many individuals living there with any superfluous currency unless Putin himself is a fan.
Similar last name, drastically different individual.
As he is important to my research and overall a figure I have found captivating since first reading an ACTUAL biography on the man that wasn't simply slanderous, I have considered making a song in honor of Rasputin, who even when accurately reported upon is still a figure larger than life and ties into my current work. In Honor of him and his Unorthodox Eastern Orthodox Christianity learned both through various Churches and likewise through The Khlysty during his travels from his Peasant Town to Saint Petersburg. Myself being at the very least a Mystic, far more one who sees greater worth in Gnosticism, and heretical all the more (as I view there not simply a Trinity to complete the Godhead but a Quaternary, where Lucifer servers as the fourth and the Holy Spirit better exemplified through Pista Sophia,) Eastern Spiritual teachings such as the Tao Te Ching and many Occult Orders leading to the fusion of my own Dormant Order/Religion and Practices from the aforementioned research and experimentation aiding in such. So far as Rasputin I feel him a far too reviled man who in my opinion should have been revered. As such I see no better Russian to make a tribute to and release it here for my fans, giving a nod to my appreciation of the vast amount of Russians who enjoy my work. And how I in no way look down on a people because of that our Government informs us of.
I can't say when the Rasputin project will conclude as I only conceived of doing so last night.
I've already spent much time I could have otherwise being further productive to goals I see as far more achievable.
However I so too thought it worth writing to those left in the dark. I do appreciate those who are fans, but cannot sacrifice myself to a site that will not reap the rewards I am seeking.
Thus unless commissions and other such means are made (again feel free to add your own insight) as in addition to all I am dedicating my time to now, I can't afford more than a stray song here and there being submitted.
I must say I wish all those earnestly appreciative of Myself and my Works, good luck and a good life.
As a last note, random as some songs may seem, to again hit on something I stated prior, they were quite meticulously made so.
I have seen others attempt to make that which sounds purely random much faster as I
dedicating myself to each and every aspect of what is put in, how, in what way it is utilized. As time has gone on I have a batch of my own sounds edited, with everything present day released or not being drastically changed from their original sound, to something otherworldly.
I also would consider releasing my own Audio only information drop, where I see the most common questions, misunderstandings and answer them.
As a means to help those with Mental Illness, Trauma they are overcoming, I can in time release that using E.M.R.D. Hypnosis, and other functional forms that would be able to at least help heal those of you who are dealing with a great deal. And this would be a way for me to release something that would help mend the difficulties fans are suffering through. As in all honesty, if you are a fan, truly like me, know that much like in real life, all those who truly have been on my side in return get someone who is very much on theirs. As for everyone here who genuinely cares about me, know whenever you feel alone, like someone who has the world turned against them, that hates themselves, etc. I wish the best for you, and hope that the best will work out. Believe me when I say I know what it feels like, especially when I was a younger kid, don't have many fond memories after the age of 9, before I was 14. Just know things can always turn up, and I at least think no matter what you are facing, you have the power to overcome it.
Thus, though there would doubtless be works that wouldn't make the cut to an Album or its B-Sides I could share here, outside of the Rasputin work and the Informative Audio that could answer and/or quell that many assume truth and thus projecting, take me as someone of interest...
Before I end this, I would again like to thank all my fans, and make it clear that enacted by my country is generally not something I am in favor of, I dislike both Parties political parties, their agenda's and view actual Political fervor to be a dualistic delusion making way for something far more menacing in the current Zeitgeist.
Please, to those not yet in their 20's I advise you strongly to learn as much as possible, experiment in areas you would have otherwise viewed as illogical to so too show just how much there still is to learn and the importance of being critical of that you learn, for your psychological well being, ensure to break off from the mind-frame instilled by your parental figures so as to be your own person as best you can, and don't give up on your passions/talents, regardless if they seem not of any use to the society/career/family/friend Nexus you are currently within. If it grants you happiness, pursue such.
And if you so happen to be in school (College not included,) if you are constantly being bullied, utilize your skills to your advantage, and ensure when you strike, it is when they are at their peak, their moment of glory, make sure that moment will forever be their devastation. I only would recommend this for people who are literally doing horrible things to you.
Something I should have done when I was younger but always froze during such situations and was usually outnumbered.
Likewise, I would encourage one thinks outside the box, and doesn't simply view life through the lenses provided by societal convention and be willing to challenge yourself as well. What would be considered Magick but was simply something I ascertained as the most probable means of causing that so desired to manifest utilizing nothing but my mind, would lead to said person shortly adding me on Myspace and informing me she is moving back to New Jersey for the first time in 10 years. Such was what opened me to Magick, the best always being when it was my own system that I followed.
To fans in general, if you seek Spirituality, there are many more paths than most are aware of, and if things do turn up for me here, I wouldn't mind tutoring a small collective of you, or at least providing you with a small written work for those seeking that I otherwise have made for friends I know in real life who desire to follow the path I have helped unify and further pave, which in part, is part of the experience.
Though I have mentioned some of these prior, I feel it worthwhile addressing one other facet pertinent to anyone, and for my fans, I'd like to list only the best of recommendations.
I would highly recommend those inclined by the Abrahamic Faiths (I.E. Judaism, Christianity and Islam) to check out The Kabbalah, Gnosticism, Sufism. And though not Abrahamic, Hermeticism.
I can't stress how fascinating the Eastern Spiritual paths are, the Tao Te Ching is a fantastic place to start, The Dhammapada which is central to Buddhism. The most accessible work (in my opinion) for those looking into Hinduism would be The Bhagavad-Gita. If Interested in the Occult, I would suggest Thelema, a Religion in and of itself, Aleister Crowley's The Book of The Law (Though I would suggest if such sits well with you getting the rather massive Tome known as Book 4.) Books on Chaos Magick for those who are looking for less of a structure and more for a system, Liber Null being a great starting point which has an atheistic bend to it. If Atheistic, and unwilling to at least practice certain facets that might make you question your current view on reality, but both want to be the master of your own destiny however would want something that would serve as an inspirational work for you to further yourself and your own outlook, check out "Thus Spake Zarathustra" by Friedrich Nietzsche. Likewise, there are a sea of "Dead Religions" that would be lumped all into the category of "Pagan" by most Westerners, look into the Faiths of Ancient Egypt, Greek/Roman Religious Structures, Babylonian Everything I have listed is available free to listen to on Youtube so you have nothing to lose but a little bit of time.
But now I do digress, again, I do wish you all the best and am interested in what you have to offer so far as in your feedback, feel free to offer that which would be your idea of establishing a means for monetary compensation that would be functional, as otherwise everything being worked on will be going to sites I've already prior utilized. Book Publication won't be difficult, I already have an in within a publisher of Occult works, not planning on getting a large return financially, yet those I reach, will most certainly be getting their money's worth.
Otherwise, outside the stray Song here and there, the audio I mentioned for helping with Trauma, along the rare post, such will be the pattern to consider actually manifesting lest things change here.
Even if I make it on a number of other platforms and outlets, I'll still be giving you all that which is superfluous Music from said projects and perhaps a read Chapter from one of my Published works. I am sorry but such is the reality of current situation, I wish it wasn't but I need a secure financial model, or a pay for x number of songs for x reason.
If I had the money there wouldn't be much of a problem, but unfortunately the years when best I could have established myself were spent overcoming obstacles others don't have to deal with.
Despite the case for continuation being bleak,
I earnestly want the best for all of my fans.